QUICK AND DIRTY: LIVE FROM KARLOVY VARY
Chubby and scruffy Cliff Cashen (Michael Strassner) is a thirty-something-year-old recovering alcoholic in an unfulfilling relationship with a woman of roughly his age (Olivia Luccardi). He attempted to take his own life, but failed miserably after the belt with which he tried to hang himself broke. He gave up his career as a stand-up comedian because life without alcohol just isn’t funny, and he’s attempting to become a mortgage broker (a profession barely compatible with his non-corporate looks and clumsy tongue). It’s now Christmas eve, and a freak accident causes him to knock his front tooth out and desperately seek an out-of-hours dentist.
Didi (Liz Larsen) comes to his rescue. The sixty-something dentist happens to be a workaholic, and she’s more than happy to open her surgery for the desperate young man. The problem is that he is terrified of needles, and the procedure requires local anaesthetic. Didi’s persuasion skills eventually succeed, and Cliff opens his mouth for a reason other than talking incessantly. He is now ready to return home, except that his car has been towed and there is probably no public transport on such a festive date. Didi once again offers to lend a hand. A hesitant Cliff jumps on her car in the hope to recover his own vehicle.
The two very different strangers become quickly trapped in each other’s peculiar problem-solving technique, and they embark on a wild goose chase through the empty, suburban streets of Baltimore. They visit the local car pound, a house party with excessive Christmas lighting, and take a boat ride. The city featured in all of John Waters’s movies is a film character per se: a shabby, energetic and luminous one.
The repercussions of their actions are such that they both could get into serious trouble with the local authorities. They forge ahead nevertheless, intoxicated with adrenaline, dopamine and oxytocin. A delicious cocktail of adventure and romance neither could have anticipated. The story climaxes in the local comedy joint, as Cliff’s friends convince him to go back on stage and perform his stand-up routine. Didi joins him as his willing victim, in a very clever scene oozing humanity, affection and metatextuality. Until a toxic kiss interrupts the action. Strassner and Larsen are both splendid, crafting fully-rounded, warm and relatable characters. And their chemistry is radiant.
While not a realist film, The Baltimorons is a palpable and humanistic affair. Cliff and and Didi come across as very familiar people, instead of the dolled up cliches commonly associated with mainstream and conventional romcoms. Larsen wears little make-up other than her character’s, with no effort to conceal her more advanced age and the natural signs of senescence. And the story offers no inalienable resolution. Relapsing pains and fleeting joys are an integral part of life. Just sit back and allow yourself to suffer and also to enjoy the most beautiful moments to the full.
Exec produced by Jay’s equally famous actor and director Mark, The Baltimorons was co-written by the director and his male protagonist. Expect good fun, deft dialogues and real emotions. This is not the dirtiest Christmas movie of all time, yet a very strong contender. Guaranteed to spread festive tears and joy all year ’round.
The Baltimorons shows in the 59th edition of the Karlovy Vary International Film Festival.
