QUICK AND DIRTY: LIVE FROM BERLIN

Motherhood isn’t a walk in the park for Linda (Rose Byrne). Her little daughter (Delaney Quinn) has a very serious condition that leaves her dependant on mummy virtually 24×7. Parallel to her parental duties, Linda is a therapist, and she has to grapple with demanding patients, including a suicidal mum and an annoying young man prone to awkward sexual advances. Her husband Charles (Christian Slater) is travelling for interminable weeks. And the ceiling of her lounge has just collapse, leaving a literal crater for Linda to gaze into the unknown.

Linda and annoying little beast move into a hotel while contractors fix their house. A gothic receptionist from hell (Ivy Wolk) helps to ensure that Linda does not feel at home. A friendly guest (A$AP Rocky) proposes that they buy MDMA and cocaine on the dark web in order to mitigate their problems. Despite Linda’s resistance, they briefly bond. It doesn’t take long before yet another mishap throws a spanner in the extremely fragile relationship. As a result, Linda feels lonelier than ever.

The therapy sections are shambolic. The fatigued doctor can barely conceal her mental state as well as the disdain for her clients. Meanwhile, she attends therapy with a profoundly selfish and unpleasant colleague (Conan O’Brien). He refuses to give Linda a couple of extra minutes so that she can share a dream with him. He dismisses her personal problems, mocks her professional skills, and bullies her clients. While such arrangements aren’t entirely unusual (therapists often attend therapy as part of their therapy training), the degree of anger and animosity isn’t compatible with a professional environmens. After watching If I Had Legs I’d Kick You, you may never trust your therapist again. After all, they might be the one who need help the most.

Linda begins the break under the weight of so many mounting pressures. In order to contains the potential outburst of fraught sentiments, she draws herself into a shell. Her reclusive state-of-mind is deftly illustrated by the creative choices of actress-turned-director Mary Bronstein, now on her directorial sophomore feature. The extreme close-ups Linda’s face craft a sense of incessant tension, while also symbolically detaching our tormented protagonist from those around her. The daughter remains unnamed and unseen. It’s as if Linda refused to face her own child. Instead, we hear her constant nagging, and watch mummy continue her descent into madness.

Perhaps Linda’s refusal of emotional engagement with her daughter is a defence mechanism. There is no doubt that our protagonist is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and that her daughter could become her first victim. At times, the nameless character makes filicide look attractive. It is only natural that Linda should fight to keep any potential Medean inclinations at bay. If I Had Legs I’d Kick You successfully deromanticises motherhood. Raising a kind isn’t always a pleasurable experience, particularly if they have a highly debilitating disease. Occasionally wanting to kill your child doesn’t make you a monster. As long as you don’t action your dark thoughts, of course. The question is whether Linda will cross that line.

Produced by Josh Safdie and the director’s husband Ronald Bronstein, If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is an energetic study of a human being on the edge. It’s impossible not to empathise with Linda. Mary Bronstein makes it extremely easy for us to love, to hate, to pity and to celebrate the deliciously insane protagonist. This is also a very convincing film without major realistic ambitions. Some of the action (particularly the therapy sessions) are wilfully hammy, as the movie prioritises style over plausibility. Not everything works though. Some elements of magical realism are thrown in for extra flavour. This includes stars and other celestial bodies making an occasional appearance, presumably representing Linda’s state of near-lunacy. It feels a little random and clumsy. Still, a rollercoaster of a movie watch. Be prepared to kick and scream!

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You just premiered in the Official Competition of the 75th edition of the Berlin International Film Festival, where this piece was written. It previously showed at Sundance.